MS. MANNERS
Write It Down
I grew up in a time when hand-written thank-you notes weren’t just a courtesy but an expected gesture of appreciation. I began my course in “Thank You” note writing in grade school. As soon as I learned the fundamentals of printing my mom sat me down at the kitchen table after one of my birthday parties and taught me to write; “Dear ______ thank you for the _______. Sincerely, Stevie Lund”. Only then could I play with the toy.
She allowed me to use that minimalist approach until junior high (middle school). My script became legible and I could string a couple of sentences together well enough. Again, my mom sat me down at the kitchen table after another of my birthday parties and I learned to add: “I really like the (color, shape, etc.) and will use it a lot”. Unless, of course, the gift was money, (think grandparents) in which case I still had to write the note, but changed it slightly to “Thank you for the $___. Dad is taking it to the bank Monday to put in my savings account. Love, Stevie”.
By the age thirteen, I was ready for the big leagues—The Bar/Bat Mitzvah-Confirmation Circuit. My Hebrew school and Confirmation class friends and I spent an entire year hopping from one event to the next, and with each one came…another thank-you note. “Thank you for inviting me to your party, the party favor, the trip to the _____. It was fun. Sincerely, Stevie Lund”.
I didn’t have birthday parties in high school, (too, too cool), except my Sweet 16. My gaggle of girls was small so it didn’t take much time to shoot out a few notes. I graduated high school early, thus, no graduation party and no thank-you notes either!
I became engaged and married at 20. There were legions of engagement, then wedding thank-you notes to be written on legions of very special monogrammed notes. According to my mother, they had to be written: “the very day I was gifted”. Sigh. Back in the 70’s no manly man sat with his bride-to-be and helped with the thank-you notes. God forbid.
I’ve had occasion several times in my life to compose thank-you notes to clergy, doctors, professors, judges, etc. Each time I grabbed my “Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of ETIQUETTE”, 1967, gifted by my mother-in-law. Smart (and wonderful) lady. She gave the book to all brides-to-be, ensuring a generation of women knew how to curtsy and compose notes to the clergy.
I subjected our son to the same torment after all birthdays and during his Bar Mitzvah year. To this day he’s a very gracious writer. Why, thank you.
Fast forward to 2025.
I am disappointed and annoyed when I (we) give a gift and receive The Sounds of Silence. I’m particularly writing about engagements, weddings, baby showers, and new baby gifts. It feels dismissive and depending on the recipient, even hurtful. For me, it’s about the validation of my time, effort, and care that went into choosing and giving the gift. I believe a simple expression of thanks bridges the gap between giving and receiving, making the exchange complete.
I hear people talking about their lack of time these days. To my mind that is the worst excuse a person could give. Can you imagine saying to someone “I was just too busy to send you a thank-you note for the wonderful stroller you brought to my baby shower”. Or, how about this, “we went on our honeymoon, then had to get right back to work so neither of us has the time to write thank-you notes”. My favorite? The mother called me and said “John and Jane are so busy after their honeymoon! I told them I’d let you know they received the toaster you sent.” Not even a verbal thank you. OMG, right?
Birthday lunch, dinner out, casual no-reason gift, those occasions call for the immediate verbal thank you, or an e-mail, (I suppose, with a grumble). But if a young(ish) person texts me with a thank you I want to slap their young(ish) bottom. Texts are designed for convenience and brevity, not expressing appreciation. It’s transactional, flippant and dismissive. And now let me tell you how I really feel. . . . clearly I’ve been holding back.